Archive for the ‘Stupid Act’ Category
Sunday, August 17th, 2008
These are shots of bikini models at the Hotel Bondi 08/09 Swim Show taking place in Sydney, Australia. What’s this got to do with anything? Bikini. Do I even know any of these girls’ names? Not even one. Are they of age? Uhhh, sure! Do I deserve a Pulitzer for this? Yes, all of them. How slow of a news day is it? It was either these or more “Katie Holmes is pregnant” speculation. Damn, I chose wisely! I know.
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Sunday, August 17th, 2008
Jamie Lynn Spears’ boyfriend Casey Aldridge is claiming he never had sex with 28-year-old Kelli Dawson while Jamie Lynn was pregnant. Kelli claims her and Casey were hooking up until March of this year. While her story lacks credibility simply because they’re not kin, Casey also says Kelli is looking for some easy money, according to TMZ:
As for the picture of Casey with Kelli Dawson (the Sienna Miller of the South), he claims it was taken before he even hooked up with J.L.
Casey has called the Spears clan to vent and they believe his story…. Casey says it’s all about Southern Sienna trying to make a buck.
It should be noted the Spears family is extremely gullible. Here’s a brief rundown of some of the bullshit they’ve swallowed over the past year:
Casey to Jamie Lynn: “Don’t worry, baby. I’m sterile.”
Jamie Lynn to Spears family: “Casey is definitely the father.”
Britney to Jamie Lynn: “I’ll never put your baby on a bun and try to eat her.”
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Monday, July 28th, 2008
Here’s British singer Heidi Range of Sugababes (I have no clue.) at Miami Beach with her sister Hayley. Apparently Heidi feels she needs constant security while wearing a bikini. That’s pretty narcissistic of somebody I had to look up on Wikipedia and is rocking the Kim Kardashian sarong maneuver. I mean, really, nobody needs a bodyguard while they’re at the beach. Except me and because of the jellyfish.
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Saturday, July 26th, 2008
Kim Kardashian went jewelry shopping yesterday, and she has definitely moved past simple butt padding by going straight to shoving a sawed in half globe down her ass. Jesus. That’s not even hot unless I was a perverted cartographer. Which I’m not anymore ever since they kicked me off the “Map to Pussytown” project. That was my life’s work, you jerks!
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Saturday, July 26th, 2008
Brooke Hogan really hates her mom. A months-old legal document leaked today that alleges Hulk was physically and verbally abusive to his wife Linda. Brooke signed the statement, but now regrets doing so after she “learned all the facts.” She says her mother pressured into signing the agreement, according to People:
Brooke’s rep says: “Brooke Bollea is distressed at the latest efforts by mother Linda to fracture the family. This time they let leak out an old document that Brooke signed filled with exaggerations and fabrications about father Terry’s behavior during the marriage. The months-old document was signed by Brooke at a time when she was upset with her father.”
Brooke is seriously grossed out by her mom’s 19-year-old boyfriend and the two are not on speaking terms. And to drive that home, Brooke then threw her mom under the bus:
“I love my mother, and hope to one day reconcile with her,” Brooke says. “But using kids as pawns in a divorce is awful. Every day my mother resorts to this kind of behavior makes it that much harder for us to ever have a relationship again.”
You know who I want to throw under a bus? The entire Hogan family. Also, I want the bus to constantly spray napalm, lemon juice and really pissed off wolverines. Just like the one I rode to school everyday until my parents realized, “Wait, school buses don’t play Iron Maiden and get driven by a guy in a bear costume.” Of course, by that time I was in college…
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Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008
Kim Kardashian really is working on her figure like her mom, Reggie Bush and the entire Internet wants. Then again she’s a Kardashian, so this is most likely an elaborate ruse. She probably changed/crowbarred herself into workout clothes once she saw the paps camped outside of Super Buffet. Fortunately, her family invested in a Jaws of Life once the girls hit puberty. Don’t worry, Kim. I know you’ve lost a lot of circulation, but you’ll be home soon and out of those clothes. Oh, no she’s fading. Quick, there’s a road crew! Maybe they have an acetylene torch. STAY WITH ME, KIM! We’ll get those pants off somehow. Is there a chainsaw store nearby?
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Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008
Jessica Simpson is attempting to crossover into country music, and apparently, it’s not as easy as singing about your truck and beating your wife. Who knew? She gave her first “country” performance in Wisconsin and somehow escaped without getting a bottle of Bud jabbed in her eye. Kenosha News reports:
Many audience members found her attempt to crossover into country irritating and that her vocals lacked a southern sound.
“I just don’t hear the country in her; I don’t hear the twang. She’s not good enough to be here,” said Adam Matos, 21, from Arlington Heights, Ill.
One man summed her performance up in a single word.
“It’s crap,” said Ryan Sia, 28, from East Troy. “She doesn’t belong here.”
But Jessica Simpson tried her best to win the tough crowd over by making one of her trademark retard statements:
“I don’t know what your perception is of Jessica Simpson or what tabloid you buy, but I just want you to know that I’m just a girl from Texas; I’m just like you. I’m doing what I love and dating a boy,” Simpson said.
Note to Jessica Simpson: Probably not a good idea to tell a crowd full of roughnecks you’re just like them because you’re dating a boy. These guys like to keep that shit on the down low, if you know what I mean. (Read: I’m going to get my ass beat the next time I’m in Wisconsin. And I already bought tickets for the Curd Convention. Goddammit…)
Thanks to James who’s got the twang, ladies.
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Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008
Here are pics of model/actress Cindy Taylor (Burn Notice) at the Ed Hardy 2009 Swimwear fashion show. I thought we could all use something to cleanse our palates after the Khloe Kardashian post. Hopefully, these work for you guys, because I’m heavily contemplating shoving a belt sander in my mouth.
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Monday, July 21st, 2008
Khloe Kardashian checked out The Dark Knight at The Grove Saturday and enjoyed the general bliss that comes from ducking 30 days in jail for DUI. I can tell by the remorseful look on her face, Khloe’s learned a lesson: Kardashians make the law their bitch. Well, I’ll show them. I’m going to get blitzed off my face then drive around their neighborhood. Yeah, this plan is genius. *starts chugging*
UPDATE: Dude, Geekologist, I’m telling you this plan will totally teach these people a lesson. What people? I dunno, somebody. I wrote it down on a napkin. Huh? I didn’t puke on my shirt. You puked on your shirt. At your mom’s house - with Chevy Chase riding a lawnmower. BURN!
UPDATE: Yum yum yummy I’ve got Jager in my tummy, yum yum I’m feeling like nachos.
UPDATE: Stop the press, who is that? This, this tree of a woman. A mighty red oak of breasts and timber thighs. I would totally hit tha- SHIT NUTS! I looked at her face. *shakes head* Hey, I’m absolutely 100% sober. How’d that happen? And why is there a tongue print on my monitor in front of Khloe Kardashian? As God as my witness, I am never drinking again.
UPDATE: Wait, I’m an atheist. To the Beer Cave! *crawls under desk*
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Monday, July 21st, 2008
Britney Spears surprised guests by showing up to the Generation Rescue autism fundraiser thrown by Jenny McCarthy. Nobody knows how or why Britney was there. Until they remembered Jim Carrey sprang for a custom burrito bar. Of course! At that point, everyone quietly nodded as if to say “If I see vulva, I’m throwing elbows all the way to the fire exit.” Us Magazine reports:
As guests like McCarthy’s beau and Charlie Sheen and wife Brooke Mueller made the rounds, Spears, 26, sipped on red wine.
Carrey’s daughter Jane also belted out a few Frank Sinatra and Jackson 5 tunes.
Spears, 26, “definitely looked happy,” a witness tells Usmagazine.com. “She was clapping and smiling a lot.”
What was Britney so happy about? Someone told her vaccinating your children is bad. Awesome! She doesn’t even what a quack-sation is! Finally, her parenting skills were paying off. Then she realized she left Sean in the car with the keys - but didn’t leave a $20 for the Wendy’s drive-thru. Sonofabitch. “This is exactly why banks should let toddlers have debit cards,” she thought while stuffing burritos in her bra.
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